If you can’t beat the record, you can beat up its owner.
Unless it’s for martial arts.
It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The dancers were balling.
What’s a nice ghoul like you doing in a crypt like this?
I was haunting a penthouse before the pandemic.
What do you call a dictionary on drugs? High-Definition.
Charlotte’s Webster
You’re so beautiful you made me forget my pick up line.
What’s your number? Nah I’ll remember it.
Get a new car for your spouse – it’ll be a great trade!
She bugged me so I Volkswagon Bugged her.
Where does a polar bear keep his money? In a snowbank!
A bipolar bear instead gambles it.
Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
Ironically, you’ll be less intoxicating.
If you don’t care where you are, then you ain’t lost.
Unless you’re a pet dog.
What fruit do you eat when you are sad? Blueberries.
When you saved money on a boob job? Water mellons.
Is your name Wi-Fi? Because I’m feeling a connection.
Is your name Dial Up? Let’s take things slow.
Early to bed, early to rise makes people suspicious.
A wake and bake turns any building into a “high rise.”
What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.
And they drink port.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
That’s deep.
I don’t engage in mental combat with the unarmed.
They can’t even go ballistic.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
The perpendicular bars didn’t match their outfit.
Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.
Going solar means daylight savings.
You’re the reason God created the middle finger.
To pleasure you.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Ironically too invested.
What’s a horse’s favorite sport? Stable Tennis.
According to a Gallup poll.
If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.
For gross negligence.
What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.
On the run you ditch it.
I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.
But that’s good because your effect size is in the wrong direction.
If at first you don’t succeed: try management.
Start by managing your expectations.
How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!
Word.
How do trees access the internet? They log in.
But they only swipe down on timber.
When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?
Mario and Luigi seem to have many.
Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
Then you see you’ve let yourself go.
You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.
Yet your abs are stealthy.
Its girls like u that cause global warming!
Factory managers.
What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.
Second to terror-misu.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery.
It also involves a hump.
When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.
When is a corpse attending its own funeral? When it’s a wake.
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
Early to bed and early to rise… makes a man wise ass.
I didn’t know angels could fly so low.
You don’t take yourself as lightly.
What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.
They get tanked.
Comedy is tragedy plus time.
Solve for tragedy: Tragedy is comedy minus timing.
Semantics are the rules that govern the meaning of words and sentences.
Hateful speech towards those rules is called anti-semantic.
Moral decisions are seldom made rationally.
Just watch any episode of “Judge Judy.”
Eight in 10 Americans speak only English.
The other two say they speak American.
Vagal tone: parasympathetic strength of the Vagus nerve.
However, “What happens in the Vagus nerve, doesn’t stay in the Vagus nerve.”
The secret to improving memory is:
Just give me a minute.
The elderly face rising health costs.
Those tennis balls that go on the bottom of walkers aren’t free.
Neolithic Period: 10,000 to 5,000 years ago, animals and plants domesticated.
However, people didn’t start dressing up their dogs or making macrame plant hangers until the mid-20th century.
Morphemes are the smallest meaningful units of language.
Unlike memes that are meaningless units of language.
The ear bones we have now were by evolution what fish used to breathe in water.
So basically, when you put your ear up to a shell and hear the ocean, it’s you not the shell.
The breath may give us more information than we realize.
Probably not more information that Facebook gives advertisers but it gives a lot of info.
Consciousness lags behind external world by 1/3 of a second.
I would repeat that but that would be wasting 2/3 of second and we don’t have the time.
Incidentally, the heartbeat is also this way, according to multiple recent peer-reviewed scientific publications – the heart beats fractally, with sub-beats inside the larger beats.
Basically, your heart digs Bach.
Effects of meditation have been seen in the: Cortex: Senses Action, Thinking, Planning.
And often the way people dress.
Many brain structures are ancient: dating back to sharks, and proto-fish.
And some of this country’s gun laws.
Measurement requires defining the property to be measured and finding a way to detect it.
For example, establishing your bathroom scale is correct because it shows you weigh six pounds less than at the doctor’s office.
Human language is a complex form of communication.
Just ask our president.
Everyone experiences periods of low self esteem.
Some experience a never ending ellipsis.
When researchers analyzed 52 depictions of The Last Supper that were painted between the years 1000 and 1800, they found that the average plate size increased by 66%.
They also found that the last supper is now most likely followed by a midnight snack.
Attractors: are Reproducible patterns of neural activity that remains stable for longer periods of time.
Unlike physical attraction, where the more Attractive and Reproducible are usually the most unstable.
Hallucinations involve top-down neural pathways.
Or, at least that’s what I was told by a talking pink giraffe.
Sensory buffer: is Storage that holds sensory information for a few seconds or less.
Think of it as the brains own version of Snapchat.
Pareidolia: We may see Jesus in the sky and then just a cloud formation.
Bur if that cloud starts raining wine, you know it’s Jesus.
Alcohol affects GABA receptors responsible for anti anxiety and intoxicating effects.
Too much alcohol makes a person less intoxicating to others.
The left hemisphere pays most attention to the ear on the opposite side, and vice versa.
Unlike congress where the left and right side ignore each other.
Amygdala associated with fear learning:
So you can thank your amygdala for everything you memorize an hour before the final.
Not all of us can move to the forest.
Then we’d be asking what happens if a tree falls in the city.
Introspection and words used may fall short to understand an activity that which is by definition beyond language.
Especially when dancing after a few glasses of wine are involved.
Physicians face high rates of burnout and stress-related challenges at work.
And that’s not even taking into account avoiding pharmaceutical reps.
Applied research is meant to provide practical solutions to immediate problems.
So basically that never includes politics.
The ancient cerebellum has 70 billion (80%) of our 86 billion neurons. It automates everything.
It’s like the brain’s brain.
Telagraphic speech: occurs when words not critical to the message are left out.
What it Doesn’t mean is when…
Nesting dolls could contain nested 10 dolls, that each contain 10 dolls, and so on.
People into fractals are pretty full of themselves.
Conflict of interest: drug companies test their own drugs.
This also breaks the number one rule of drug distribution – don’t get high on your own supply.
40% of world’s population lives on less than $2 per day
Or as that is known in the US…being a college student.
Each hemisphere does pay more attention to the ear on the opposite side.
Proving that even for a hemisphere, the grass is always greener.
In Major Depressive Disorder The Absence of happiness is a more reliable symptom than increased sadness.
So it’s better to think of the glass as half empty rather than half full of tears.
The heartbeat is also this way, has heart beats fractally, with sub-beats inside the larger beats.
So, yes, technically we’ve all got a really great mixtape inside of us.
Research shows that people who hold a pen with their teeth feel happier than those who hold a pen with their lips.
The research also say that people who hold a pen with their hand know the proper way to use a pen.
People who start Medical School in contrast to those who finish are perfectly capable of empathy.
The same cannot be said for people who start Law School.
DNA is like a piece of string we can pull segments out of without knotting it.
So not made of the same material ear buds are made from.
No one knows how widespread euthanasia is.
I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.
For example, humans have different reaction times to various types of heat.
Touch a hot pan and the reaction is almost instant. Learn about global warming, almost no reaction at all.
Emotionally significant memories form quickly.
Which is why it is important to periodically feel emotion.
Withdrawal: Body’s reaction to absence of the drug.
Or as some cultures call it, ‘Lent.’
Naturalistic observation: Technique for gathering scientific information by unobtrusively observing people in their natural environments.
For example, not stopping a fight at a Waffle House.
Many people with addiction have more than one addiction.
Which is why the saying Isn’t; Sex, Or Drugs, Or Rock and Roll.
These summarize some first attempts of researchers as, to date, amazing discoveries scientifically are made every day, yet unfortunately without so much in the way of integration.
Which means that right now, we’re not quite smart enough to be able to understand how smart we are.
Butterfly wing clap explains mystery of flight
Butterflies continued to clap politely for this discovery.
Near-Earth asteroid 2006 QV89 not a threat for next century
A startup with a 100 year delivery time to market, for best thereby worst case.
Neuroprosthesis restores words to man with paralysis
Dumb luck
Big brains or big guts: Choose one
The brain of the group is rarely the gutsy one.
Will it be safe for humans to fly to Mars?
If not I’ll walk.
15,000-year-old viruses discovered in Tibetan glacier ice
Free Tibetan viruses.
Remote control of blood sugar: Electromagnetic fields treat diabetes in animal models
Can you please just blast me with EMR as I eat Oreos?
Blue light may not be as disruptive to our sleep patterns as originally thought
Former researchers feeling blue.
Low-energy solar particles from beyond Earth found near the Sun
Low-energy particles hang out at home.
Schrödinger’s cat with 20 qubits
Quantum purr-view. Or for nerds quantum pay purr-view.
What social distancing does to a fish brain
No school is not so cool if you’re a fish.
Care for cats? So did people along the Silk Road more than 1,000 years ago
More than the silk did.
Harnessing tomato jumping genes could help speed-breed drought-resistant crops
Will application ketch up?
When three species of human ancestor walked the Earth
Biden, Merkel, and Trump.
Potentially fatal combinations of humidity and heat are emerging across the globe
Bombshell Gaia so hot and wet she’s lethal.
Scientists discover supernova that outshines all others
A super-lative nova.
Reactor turns greenhouse gas into pure liquid fuel
New clear reactor.
New droplet-based electricity generator: A drop of water generates 140V power, lighting up 100 LED bulbs
A drop of acid 1000 lightbulbs.
Study finds brain areas involved in seeking information about bad possibilities
Participants drunk dialed from the fMRI machine.
Not just lizards: Alligators can regrow their tails too, new study reveals
They hold a TailGator party.
For vampire bats, social distancing while sick comes naturally
Even a bat wouldn’t perform gain of function research.
Where did I park my car?’ Brain stimulation improves mental time travel
Where did I put my TMS… so I can find my car.
New approach refines the Hubble’s constant and age of universe
Guess low.
Process that might have led to first organic molecules
Hippie chemists.
Methane emitted by humans vastly underestimated
Particularly in females.
Exoplanet where it rains iron discovered
Irony
New ‘universal’ target for antiviral treatment
Some memes go antiviral.
Clever cockatoos learn through social interaction, study finds
So they cocka, too.
Climate-driven megadrought is emerging in western US, says study
Dry humor here seems too soon.
US and Canada have lost more than 1 in 4 birds in the past 50 years
If they keep traveling south long enough they’ll be back around.
There may not be a conflict after all’ in expanding universe debate
The opposition thought just ego was expanding.
How microbes generate and use their energy to grow
Boot sole strapping.
The force is strong in neutron stars
Starwars yodel: Yoda yoda Lea ee Chew.
In a scientific first, physicists capture nuclear quantum effect between neighboring water molecules
We enrich our uranium and you see the benefits. Although initiated by the host it also violated the neighbor’s non-proliferation treaty.
How many Earth-like planets are around sun-like stars?
In whey-like galaxies.
Waking just one hour earlier cuts depression risk by double digits, study finds
Till removing outliers that slept through the exam.
Why does Mercury have such a big iron core?
Because mercury is hard core. And likes heavy metal.
Exoplanet apparently disappears in latest Hubble observations
Did the ex-oplanet even break up through text?
Emissions From Space Tourism Could Quickly Add Up and Accelerate Global Warming
That’ll trickle down.
Nanoparticle chomps away plaques that cause heart attacks
Particle of a complete breakfast.
Ostrich Robot Machine-Learns Itself To Run a 5K
Even Ostrich robots can’t fly.
USC Stem Cell scientists explore the latent regenerative potential of the inner ear
Also thanks btw to fish for evolving gills that became in our ear to hear.
Global methane emissions soar to record high
Coincidentally, right when Chipotle had a BOGO.
Grey seals discovered clapping underwater to communicate
Or following a harp seal’s performance.
How does Earth sustain its magnetic field?
The north pole always had a thing for Antarctica.
Antibiotics discovered that kill bacteria in a new way
It’s a new way to mess up your immune system.
Baby dinosaurs were ‘little adults’
A horse can stand on day one. Humans take until 35 and living in their parents’ basement.
Researchers unearth ‘new’ “mass-extinction”
Secular values.
Eyes send an unexpected signal to the brain
Don’t even blink it’s a royal flush.
How birds evolved big brains
By tweeting every day.
13,800 World Scientists Give Stark Warning of a 2021 Climate Emergency
Granted they’re a bit biased by wanting to live.
Reducing sugar in packaged foods can prevent disease in millions
A bitter pill to swallow is the best pill.
Any amount of running linked to significantly lower risk of early death
In the marathon of life.
Dangerous bacteria communicate to avoid antibiotics
Anti antibiotics.
Data-driven definition of unhealthy yet pervasive ‘hyper-palatable’ foods
Great taste is in poor taste.
COVID-19 lockdowns significantly impacting global air quality
And up in the air quality.
Beavers gnawing away at the permafrost
Cool it, beaver. Chill.
Synchrotron X-ray sheds light on some of the world’s oldest dinosaur eggs
Evidence leaning to the egg over the chicken.
Scientists triple storage time of human donor livers
Livers are now longer livers.
Personality matters, even for squirrels
But they prize squirreliness.
Mars habitability limited by its small size, isotope study suggests
Just put a couch in there. It worked for my studio apartment.
Shedding light on how the human eye perceives brightness
To an eager pupil.
Engineered virus might be able to block coronavirus infections, mouse study shows
Please block a virus, doctor Mario.
What’s up, Skip? Kangaroos really can ‘talk’ to us, study finds
Being quiet was a kanga ruse.
Electric eel produces highest voltage discharge of any known animal
Besides a Watt-er Bufalo.
Why people gain weight as they get older
It’s not just marriage.
Stabilizing brain-computer interfaces
Nontouch typing.
New route to carbon-neutral fuels from carbon dioxide
Fossil fuels are becoming a fossil.
Laboratory-evolved bacteria switch to consuming carbon dioxide for growth
How one messy lab saved the world.
Global glacier retreat has accelerated
But the glaciers may still win the war.
Unconscious learning underlies belief in God, study suggests
So sleep on it.
How caloric restriction prevents negative effects of aging in cells
Fasting is age slowing.
Electric fish — and humans — pause before communicating key points
So the recipient isn’t shocked.
Mapping the platypus genome: How Earth’s oddest mammal got to be so bizarre
Fits the bill.
How does language emerge?
Adverbially.
Biologists construct a ‘periodic table’ for cell nuclei
They were very sensitive about their weight.
How to dismantle a nuclear bomb
Peace by peace.
Volcanic eruptions may have spurred first ‘whiffs’ of oxygen in Earth’s atmosphere
Thanks for the air to say “I lava you.”
A new perspective on the genomes of archaic humans
Or for Terence Mckenna a perspective on the gnomes of archaic humans.
Best of both worlds: Asteroids and massive mergers
The game Asteroids was all about antitrust: break ’em up.
Almost all survivors of brain damage show behavioral recovery to some degree.
Unless they rushed for over 1,000 yards.
THC binds to anandamide or 2-AG receptors on presynaptic neurons or GABA.
THC actually binds better to them than Jerry Garcia’s beard.
Local anesthetic drugs block sodium channels and prevent action potentials from occurring.
So in that way anesthetic drugs are like your roommate walking in during Netflix and Chill.
Neurons are brain cells that receive and transmit information.
Neuroffs don’t.
This is a crystallized amino acid. Proteins and Peptides are Composed of chains of amino acids.
Meanwhile your aunt’s Grateful Dead memories are composed of regular acid.
How far one sees is dependent on how far light travels before it strikes ones eyes.
Luckily, light travels fast enough to get past any travel bans.
Recessive genes show their effect only in the homozygous condition. Examples: eye color, ability to taste certain chemicals such as PTC
And thinking fedoras are still cool.
Altruism is hard to find outside of humans.
And if you find it in cats, remember it’s just a trick.
‘3 Ways Artificial Intelligence Will Change Healthcare’
Without the care, initially.
A German Music Festival Is Building a 4-Mile Beer Pipeline.
Mario and Luigi arrived already tanked.
Beautiful scientists are not taken as seriously as less attractive colleagues
Because they’re smart asses
Energy drinks linked to depression, anxiety and stress.
So they do make you a monster.
‘Quantum phase transition observed for the first time’
So begins the phase transition phase.
fMRI study suggests that humor with news and politics assists people to remember and share it.
Puff puff pass it on.
WHO chief “appalled” by rich nations’ COVID booster shot with so many unvaccinated around the world
Injecting for extra antibodies while your T-cells are still high is like watching you eat crème brûlée while barely touching your T-bone steak.
67% of participants who received three MDMA-assisted therapy sessions no longer qualified for a PTSD diagnosis, results published in Nature Medicine.
Post post-traumatic stress.
‘Painting With Light: Novel Nanopillars Precisely Control the Color and Intensity of Transmitted Light’
Paint by numbers.
‘Scientists say that 99.9% dark matter galaxy is actually perfectly normal.’
Nothing to see here.
More and more US universities are adding ‘cannabis classes’ to their syllabuses
Grades are pass or bogart.
Particle seen switching between matter and antimatter at CERN.
Nothing matters.
Florida man twerks in the rain while resisting arrest
He heard “put your hands up,” and thought the cop was just another DJ.
Intelligent people really are better at chess.
More surprisingly, intelligent people thought this needed to be figured out.
‘There are Many Ways to Spin a Photon.’
Many ways to skin a Schrodinger’s cat.
Rising temperatures threaten heat-tolerant aardvarks
The aardvarks have been on the front lines.
‘Mixing Massive Stars:�New Research Reveals Hidden Processes at Work in the Hearts of Large Stars’
Let’s hope our sun doesn’t need a quadrillion-uple bypass.
China’s aggressive policy of planting trees is likely playing a significant role in tempering its climate impacts.
It’s like Johnny Appleseed moonlights as a lumber jack.
A single dose of psilocybin has a lasting therapeutic effect on migraine headache, according to a new placebo-controlled study.
It only took a half a century to legalize science to replicate that.
‘Europeans see language as the cornerstone of national identity.’
Irish, Welsh and Scots prefer foul language.
‘Scientists make a chemputer that could revolutionize the drug industry’
In another drug-induced album… Ok Chemputer.
Scientist-Turned-Artist Uses Bacteria to Create Art
His audience is ladies and germs.
‘This AI software dreams up new drug molecules’
Guys, how ’bout a benzene ring on another tryptamine – that’ll help the humans know what we’re talking about.
‘Earth’s Ozone Layer Is Healing, Bringing Some Good News on Global Wind Movement’
Finally a breath of fresh air.
‘European Neandertals were cannibals’
Europeans today have better taste.
‘Molecular fountain my lead to more precise measurement of physical constants’
Constants should be more contant now.
‘Emissions From Space Tourism Could Quickly Add Up and Accelerate Global Warming’
Can’t you just poke a hole in the roof while you’re up there?
‘Engineers uncover the secrets of fish fins’
Bet they finished school.