I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.
Unless that’s unhinged.
I would make jokes about the sea, but they are too deep.
They do make waves.
Let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.
Sounds like work.
Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.
You regressed to the mean joke.
I lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.
Or throw in the little towel.
The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’
Or ‘Wake up!’
Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.
Unfortunately not romantic ones.
Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.
Just don’t die in your sleep in the AM.
Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.
Promise you’ll never cleave.
“Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?”
If I’m Asian is it for the yellow fever pages?
Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.
If you don’t wanna: mass debate.
What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.
Or block phones.
Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Anything beyond everclear is fool proof.
I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.
Another paradox solved with socialism.
Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.
My lady friend, like Tinkerbell, disapeared.
Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!
And if there’s one thing they can sure lick frog pussy.
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
Too soon.
As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?
It’s racy.
Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.
Because dogs never tire of chasing balls.
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Really they add a pinch of bullshit.
The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.
The weak days.
I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!
Their bar is still set low.
They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.
Fruit (especially bananas) and fresh meat.
You can’t have everything, where would you put it?
Only then in every container.
I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.
With you properly exposed and at the right shudder speed.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
People who believe in the secret have a blank reality check.
I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.
Powerful as in full of unused power.
A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.
He’s retired, aka tired again.
A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.
And a hot date.
How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.
Physicists let gravity do the work.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
Except when you were drunk at the bachelor party.
What does a liar do after he dies? He lies still.
Liar!
Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!
Redundant is already dundant again.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.
No more paydirt.
The road to success is always under construction.
Explains the slow down.
One head is ok, but a whole body is much better.
Unless you want to get ahead.
Life is good you know. So I suggest you get one.
A pro-lifer.
What do you call a Camel with 3 humps? Pregnant!
Or never thirsty.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
After all men only have a single X chromosome.
My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
My palate makes up what my arteries lack in gratitude.
Committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
Commitment is to choose one of them.
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just live.
And learn, just not from ordinary people.
Why kill time when you can make it work for you?
Because time is a serial killer.
I am depressed in every way except emotionally.
So repressed.
Work is for people who don’t know how to fish.
Teach a man how to work? A manager that does none themselves.
I am known at the gym as the “before picture.”
Popular because you need me for a transformation.
Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
Have a cow, man.
Electricity is dangerous. Shocking, ain’t it?
Enlightening.
Nothing says I love you like divorce papers.
Side splitting.
The best way to keep a job is to work at it!
Unless you go into labor.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
You snooze you lose… but not sleep.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
But she feels powderful.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A dirty house is a sign of a miss penthouse life.
My Czech mate is surprisingly bad at chess.
And a Slovak is quick with a Mighty Mite.
STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.
As a bullemic, stressed, eats them backward.
Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.
Whereas fairy males just have drag on.
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
That one flatlined… it lacks graph height.
Don’t trust atoms, they make up everything.
Subatomic particles that make them up are even flakier.
I intend to live forever… or die trying.
Leading cause of death… trying.
Nothing spoils the target more than a hit.
The arrows quivered in anticipation.
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Their bite was stronger than their bark.
I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na.
Yet about potassium… K.
Why is a bra singular and panties plural?
Each contains the opposite number: Like a yinyang.
Cake: the answer, no matter the question.
How to attain ketoacidosis and insulin shock?
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
I hope the error is in thinking today I might make one.
If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
Right?
2+2=5 for extremely large values of 2.
Too much two.
I like the way your medication thinks.
Selective, inhibited, and doesn’t recycle.
What do ghost pandas eat? Bam-Boo!
A ghost horse eats the haunted hay.
Never trust a dog to watch your food.
Unless you’re vegan.
Turning vegan is a big missed steak.
Or a successful steak out.
You won’t drink away the alcoholism.
But here’s to alcoholism.
Only an ass can be divided in half.
Not for multiplication.
I could stop gambling anytime.
Wanna bet?
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
Diet’s only die with a tea.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Yet unleaded is cheaper.
My IQ came back negative.
You’re positive?
Experiments show that using a cell phone while driving increases the likelihood of an accident by four times.
That increases to 8 times as likely if the phone is being used to play a driving game.
Anxiety makes it genuinely harder to hold conversations and concentrate.
Just ask any guy trying to talk to a pretty girl in a bar.
Social support from a loved one helps to reduce stress.
Though staying home for the holidays in an election year does the exact opposite.
Testosterone increases touch sensitivity in the penis.
Unfortunately it doesn’t increase sensitivity in regards to women’s feelings.
An experiment tested to see when/if participants would stop eating if their bowls of soup were “bottomless.”
AKA as the Olive Garden Experiment.
The Exhaustion stage: occurs after prolonged stress; individual no longer has energy to sustain responses.
This is why students stop raising their hands the week after midterms.
Females do not have the SRY gene.
Which is why they have a tough time saying they’re sorry. Except in texts.
Antagonist: Drug that blocks a neurotransmitter. Agonist: Drug that mimics or increases an effect.
Protagonist: Person that gets you to stop taking drugs.
One in 15 high school seniors smokes cannabis on a daily or near-daily basis.
The other 14 prefer the more traditional definition of high school.
Memories are resurrected as milestones that punctuate the personal past with episodes.
Or, in the case of Facebook memories, a reminder of what you had for dinner one year ago.
Why are humans especially hard to study?
Can’t get us to look up from our phones.
Productivity: the ability to improvise new combinations of signals to represent new ideas.
So when someone tells you to stop using so many emojis, tell them you’re just trying to stay productive. In fact, tell them in emojis; they’ll be so proud!
Attack behaviors depend on the individual and the situation.
For example, the size of the other guy and how much you’ve had to drink.
Hypo-egoism: A state in which one is not thinking about the self.
It’s pretty much the opposite of Los Angeles.
It’s not just men who are funny.
In fact Freud thought that only women could be hysterical.
Eastern Psychology might offer removing desire for each of the passions as a way to remove the thoughts created by those emotions, as created by desire (i.e., hypothalamus).
Western Psychology achieves this with psychotropic drugs.
Buddhist monks do not attempt to only sit around being “mindful.”
Although it’s gotta be easier to meditate in those robes than in skinny jeans.
Attraction: Females go for more masculine features in short-term, less masculine features in the long-term.
That’s why for tonight, we use Tinder, and for retirement, we use Tender.
The U.S. has a higher rate of poverty than some other industrialized nations.
That’s right, the US isn’t just winning in obesity rates, we have poverty locked down too.
Ontogenesis is how an egg becomes a mind.
Not to be confused wth Torontogenesis, which is how an egg becomes a Canadian citizen.
For the majority of people the midlife crisis is a myth, transition to midlife is smooth and rewarding.
Corvette dealers might disagree with this statement.
Observer bias: Expectations can influence observations and influence perceptions of reality.
See also: Fox News.
Reappraisal: Changing one’s emotional experience by changing the meaning of the emotion-eliciting stimulus.
For example, “He insulted me, he must like me,” or “how to transform emotional immaturity into a romantic gesture.”
Still some might argue that this “watering down” of Buddhist practice is not inherently bad, and exports the benefits of certain forms of meditation to popular audiences.
Think of it like they took an Oscar winner and turned it into a summer movie.
Higher concentrations of dopamine stimulate the d2 receptors and lead to orgasm.
Which is true for men but still yet to be proven for women.
The brain is the most complex known object.
A car lease, or IKEA furniture are close second and third.
In developing countries most die at home. In developed countries only 20% die at home.
According to Ghost Hunters that means haunted houses will be nonexistent in the near future.
In young adulthood the leading cause of death continues to be accidents.
Followed by suicide, homicide, AIDS, cancer, and last week’s exam.
Meditation has been a mainstay of education and life in the East for millennia.
In the west, it’s treated like a power nap.
Patients often outlive physicians’ estimates of their survival.
There’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of proving a doctor wrong.
Amnesia is proportional to damage around the hippocampus (medial temporal lobe).
As depicted in the documentaries Overboard and The
Bourne Identity.
Freud prescribed cocaine to his patients.
No wonder they’d never shut up.
Generosity: In lab research on giving to charity, more reward system activation is seen in donating even than receiving money.
So, if you’re looking for a high…I accept cash, credit, or Paypal.
Double-blind: Observation whose true purpose is hidden from both the observer and the person being observed.
Double Blind is also something that happens when both people don’t use their real picture on Tinder.
Just noticeable difference (JND): Minimal change in a stimulus that can just barely be detected.
Like your girlfriend’s haircut.
We rarely interpret emotion based solely on facial expressions.
It’s like trying to decipher whether our partner really is fine when they say “I’m Fine!”
Resilience is determined in part by: genes, social support, physical health, previous stressful experiences.
And how long you’re willing to stay on a blind date with someone who’s really into Scientology.
Some experience Burnout, which occurs when highly trained professionals experience dissatisfaction, disillusionment, frustration, and weariness from their jobs.
I’d go into more detail about this but really, what’s the point….
Reinforcers are Events that increase the probability that the response will occur again.
This is why you hear about husbands doing the dishes when they want to have sex.
When giving directions, gay men are more likely to use landmarks.
Or land justins. Or land conners.
It’s not what you say, it’s the way you say it.
Especially if while holdling a weapon.
Older people often have impairments in working memory.
While millennials have impairments with work in general.
Social Desireability: The tendency to report the way on psychological instruments in a socially acceptable way.
Which is never found on social media sites.
Studies in mice have revealed genes that relate to being more vulnerable or more resilient. Methods to control stress responses: Breathing routines, exercise, and meditation.
Though scientists have had trouble teaching mice how to do yoga poses.
According to the James-Lange theory, emotional feelings result from the body’s actions.
And how much prozac you took that morning.
Mania: restless activity, excitement, laughter, self-confidence, rambling speech, and loss of inhibition.
In other words, the average radio presenter.
Both men and women prefer a romantic partner that is healthy, intelligent, honest, physically attractive and kind.
Unfortunately those partners only exist in romantic comedies.
In an experiment, groups of people were allowed to sleep or were deprived of sleep before a word-pairs test. The sleep group recalled more.
Meanwhile the group that stayed up all night seemed to remember having more fun.
Simplest theory that explains all evidence is the best one:
If I’ve never seen my friend Jack in the daytime, then he’s clearly a vampire.
Attention can be thought of as the gatekeeper of consciousness.
And given the prevalence of ADHD, that gatekeeper is out to lunch.
People’s tendency toward anxiety remains fairly consistent over time.
Fortunately the bronze age didn’t have standardized testing.
Language, is the systematic, meaningful arrangement of symbols, provides the basis for communication.
And allowed us to unlock the true gift of the “Yo momma so fat” joke.
Alcohol is the most commonly known depressant.
Followed closely by politics.
Short-term memory has a limited capacity, but long-term memory does not.
Also, short-term memory has a limited capacity.
At some threshold a percept passes into consciousness and there is a point of “global ignition”widely through the brain, eg. an audience after a few handclaps bursting into applause.
Please, hold your global ignition.
The Mesolimbic Dopamine System (MDS): The pathway of addiction, every addictive substance relates to it.
Such as alcohol, nicotine, and twitter.
Hypothesis: a knife cut between the two brain areas should abolish the newly learned response. This Hypothesis was disproven.
I lost a lot of good students disproving that one!
The right DLPC is related to Avoidance, and the left is related to Approach behavior in environments, learning, and engagement.
So being not in your “Right” mind might actually be a good thing.
Sometimes our behavior doesn’t align with our beliefs.
Especially when you’re stuck in a political conversation at a party.
Reaction time: Amount of time taken to respond to a specific stimulus.
For example, how long does it take a driver’s foot to hit the gas pedal after seeing the traffic light turn yellow?
Original research conducted on the sea slug, Aplysia. The slug had bigger neurons that were easier to see and study.
Although its memories were pretty boring unless you like algae.
A human embryo goes through a ‘fish’ stage complete with gill ridges. Gill ridges grow into the bones of our inner ear.
So we have our fish stage to thank for our Phish stage.
Progesterone prepares the uterus for the implantation of a fertilized ovum and promotes the maintenance of pregnancy.
Think of it as the Barry White effect.
Antagonist: Drug that blocks a neurotransmitter Agonist: Drug that mimics or increases an effect
Agony: not having access to either drug
Steroid Hormones Contain four carbon rings, and exert their effects in three ways.
The most common of which is increasing your chances of winning the tour de France.
Morphemes:the smallest meaningful units of language.
For example, if you’re a millennial the response to OMG he was BAE until TMI would be LOL.
Homosexual behavior occurs in many animal species.
But is only Homo sapiens who have a designated parade for this behavior.
Twin studies confirm strong influence of genetics on vulnerability to alcohol/drugs.
So if you’ve been drinking, it’s unsafe to hand the keys to anyone who looks like you.
Oxygen deprivation impacts memory formation.
So if someone gets offended that you don’t remember them, just tell them it’s because they took your breath away.
Animal life thriving around Fukushima
Rad.
Meteorite contains the oldest material on Earth: 7-billion-year-old stardust
Slightly older than house dust.
NASA missions help reveal the power of shock waves in a nova explosion
In a shocking discovery.
The brains of shrimps and insects are more alike than we thought
Calling someone a shrimp is more like calling them a giant.
Feel good’ brain messenger can be willfully controlled, new study reveals
Dope. I mean…
Earth-size, habitable-zone planet found hidden in early NASA Kepler data
Goldilocks evades the NASA bear again.
Astronomers discover first cloudless, Jupiter-like planet
It was a gas.
2020 tied for warmest year on record, NASA analysis shows
To climate denialists what sadly must sound like a broken record.
One-time treatment generates new neurons, eliminates Parkinson’s disease in mice
Parkinfather’s ease
Volcanic carbon dioxide emissions helped trigger Triassic climate change
VolcaNo!
Scorpion toxin that targets ‘wasabi receptor’ may help solve mystery of chronic pain
Or mystery of dank sushi.
Wandering Supermassive Black Holes May Be More Abundant than Previously Thought
A cosmic gorilla on the basketball court.
Optic nerve stimulation to aid the blind
V won.
Children told lies by parents subsequently lie more as adults, face adjustment difficulty
Morality by Santa Claus is a Catch-22.
Link between obesity and sleep loss
Chiseled by the Zzzz’s. Hey snoring is an intense activity.
How to make the healthiest coffee
Dump saturated fat from butter in it.
Engineers put tens of thousands of artificial brain synapses on a single chip
The dorito became self aware just one crunch too late.
Exploding stars may have caused mass extinction on Earth, study shows
SupernOva and Out.
Healthy sleep habits help lower risk of heart failure
You’re also much less likely to get too stressed out if you pass out.
Have we detected dark energy? Scientists say it’s a possibility
Dim chance.
Stress can turn hair gray — and it’s reversible, researchers find
Relaxation tapes sold in the color shampoo section.
How planets may form after dust sticks together
Man I really need to clean those window sills.
Study finds evidence for existence of elusive ‘metabolon’
I’ve been blending it into protein shakes.
Antibiotic resistance surges in dolphins, mirroring humans
Ee equally.
A gut-to-brain circuit drives sugar preference and may explain sugar cravings
Go with your gut, unless it says: Snickers.
Carp aquaculture in Neolithic China dating back 8,000 years
The data was fishy.
Atlantic Ocean may get a jump-start from the other side of the world
Red sea to the Dead sea cable.
Early evolution of the brain’s cortex revealed in new study
More bark than bite. (Cortex etymology = “tree bark.”) Overexplained.
Study in twins finds our sensitivity is partly in our genes
Not unlike sensitivity to “do these jeans make me look fat.”
Scratching the surface of how your brain senses an itch
Know What I histaMine?
Amputees merge with their bionic leg
For a leg up on the competition.
Saturn’s tilt caused by its moons, researchers say
See a moon that big put a ring on it.
The physics behind a tardigrade’s lumbering gait
A tardy grade slumbering late?
Astronomers discover unusual monster galaxy in the very early universe
As Samsung Galaxies replaced early monsterous block phones.
Eating red meat and processed meat hikes heart disease and death risk, study finds
Steaking vampires’ hearts.
Forgetfulness might depend on time of day
Might, I forgot.
How a racing heart may alter decision-making brain circuits
Didn’t skip a beat.
Lucy had an ape-like brain
If not a chimp she was a pansy.
Why crocodiles have changed so little since the age of the dinosaurs
Steve Irwin for practical purposes wrestled dinosaurs.
Association between soft drink consumption and mortality in 10 European countries
Not so soft after all.
Why is Earth so biologically diverse? Mountains hold the answer
Just not the Caucasus mountains.
Otherworldly worms with three sexes discovered in Mono Lake
Sex-positive just got cubed.
COVID-19 crisis causes 17 percent drop in global carbon emissions
Engineered by the EPA. There’s the conspiracy.
Saturn surpasses Jupiter after the discovery of 20 new moons
Wolves on saturn howl a lot.
Red alert as Arctic lands grow greener
But Merry Christmas.
How the solar system got its ‘Great Divide,’ and why it matters for life on Earth
The solar system is finally touring again.
Carbon dioxide capture and use could become big business
Green greenhouse business.
Dozens of non-oncology drugs can kill cancer cells
For today’s offcology rounds.
Antarctic ice sheet retreat could trigger chain reaction
Like ice launch into your face from a good beverage.
Materials that can revolutionize how light is harnessed for solar energy
According to a panel of experts.
Putting the ‘bang’ in the Big Bang
The big bang needs a haircut.
Positive outlook predicts less memory decline
Positive outlook is good looking out.
Unexpected uncertainty can breed paranoia
Expected certainty can breed pronoia.
Soft tactile logic’ tech distributes decision-making throughout stretchable material
Yoga pants became a smart choice.