When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

When is a corpse attending its own funeral? When it's a wake.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Early to bed and early to rise... makes a man wise ass.

I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

You don't take yourself as lightly.

What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.

They get tanked.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Solve for tragedy: Tragedy is comedy minus timing.

I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day long.

Unless that's unhinged.

I would make jokes about the sea, but they are too deep.

They do make waves.

Let’s convert our potential energy into kinetic energy.

Sounds like work.

Your momma is so mean… she has no standard deviation.

You regressed to the mean joke.

I lost my paper towels, I think I need a bounty hunter.

Or throw in the little towel.

The panic begins with the first one to say ‘Calm down!’

Or 'Wake up!'

Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear.

Unfortunately not romantic ones.

Treat each day as your last, one day you will be right.

Just don't die in your sleep in the AM.

Why do people become butchers? So they can meat people.

Promise you'll never cleave.

“Hi, I’m writing a phone book, can I have your number?”

If I'm Asian is it for the yellow fever pages?

Never marry a woman who was captain of the debate team.

If you don't wanna: mass debate.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

Or block phones.

Nothing is fool proof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Anything beyond everclear is fool proof.

I’m anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.

Another paradox solved with socialism.

Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored.

My lady friend, like Tinkerbell, disapeared.