Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them!

And if there's one thing they can sure lick frog pussy.

I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.

Too soon.

As an outsider, what do you think of the human race?

It's racy.

Unless you’re the lead dog, the view never changes.

Because dogs never tire of chasing balls.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

Really they add a pinch of bullshit.

The first 5 days after the weekend are the hardest.

The weak days.

I’m jealous of all the people that haven’t met you!

Their bar is still set low.

They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts.

Fruit (especially bananas) and fresh meat.

You can’t have everything, where would you put it?

Only then in every container.

I’m no photographer, but I can picture us together.

With you properly exposed and at the right shudder speed.

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

People who believe in the secret have a blank reality check.

I’m not lazy… I’m just on my energy saving mode.

Powerful as in full of unused power.

A retired husband is often a wife’s full-time job.

He's retired, aka tired again.

A person has to have a warm heart and a cold beer.

And a hot date.

How do astronomers organize a party? They planet.

Physicists let gravity do the work.

Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.

Except when you were drunk at the bachelor party.

What does a liar do after he dies? He lies still.

Liar!

Help stamp out, eliminate and abolish redundancy!

Redundant is already dundant again.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

No more paydirt.

The road to success is always under construction.

Explains the slow down.