If life hands you lemons, break out the tequila!

Or sell them to get a better car.

How can you be so sad when you are so beautiful?

As sadness is beautiful.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Invest in enemies stocks.

Some people feel the rain. Others just get wet.

Dumbrella case.

You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.

Your abs are chiseled yet you haven't found a niche.

Did you get a bowl of soup with that haircut?

Or at least angelhair pasta.

Never trust a dog to watch your food.

Unless you're vegan.

What has a head, a tail, and no body? A coin!

What coin has none of these? A bitcoin

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Good lingerie does include the silken eye mask.

If I promise to miss you, will you go away?

Don't miss.

Sorry I’m late! I was at home sitting down.

I was house sitting for myself.

You should need a license to be that ugly.

But I already have one... for Arkansas.

You have the nicest syntax I’ve ever seen.

Elegent, eloquent, and taxing sin.

Currently the flower business is blooming.

If you're a pansy.

Dream carefully, because dreams come true.

Kittens create reality.

Dyslexic, you say? How do you spell that?

Lexic dis.

If time is money are ATM’s time machines?

If cleanliness is next to godliness, the janitor is god?

Is it good or bad if your vacuum sucks?

Better than if it blows.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it.

Beats a square.

He’s street smart. Sesame Street smart.

Big birdbrained.