You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

To pleasure you.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Ironically too invested.

What’s a horse’s favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

According to a Gallup poll.

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

For gross negligence.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

On the run you ditch it.

I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.

But that's good because your effect size is in the wrong direction.

If at first you don’t succeed: try management.

Start by managing your expectations.

How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

Word.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

But they only swipe down on timber.

When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

Mario and Luigi seem to have many.

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

Then you see you've let yourself go.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

Yet your abs are stealthy.

Its girls like u that cause global warming!

Factory managers.

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

Second to terror-misu.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

It also involves a hump.

When is a door not a door? When it’s ajar.

When is a corpse attending its own funeral? When it's a wake.

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Early to bed and early to rise... makes a man wise ass.

I didn’t know angels could fly so low.

You don't take yourself as lightly.

What do crabs smoke? Seaweed.

They get tanked.

Comedy is tragedy plus time.

Solve for tragedy: Tragedy is comedy minus timing.