You’re more special than relativity.

Generally.

If God is your co-pilot – swap seats.

To lead to another market crash.

You’re so fat, you could sell shade.

Your shadow has a shadow.

Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.

Unless this was mumbled under your breath.

No one is listening until you fart.

Hope you feel 'heard.'

Dads are like boomerangs… I hope.

When they also don't come back.

Books are just TV for smart people.

Audible is TV for smart, lazy people.

It’s bad luck to be superstitious.

Luck is bad luck.

I work to buy a car to go to work.

Drives me nuts.

I tried to catch some fog, I mist.

Not cirrus-ly.

I am not catholic, don’t cross me.

Nailed it.

Take my advice — I’m not using it.

It's the ad 4 vice.

Turtles think frogs are homeless.

Yet without a shell game.

Only dead fish go with the flow.

Too cool for school.

He’s as sharp as a bowling ball.

To be blunt.

I think, therefore I’m single.

I drink, therefore I see double.