What do sea monsters eat for lunch? Fish and ships.

And they drink port.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

That's deep.

I don’t engage in mental combat with the unarmed.

They can't even go ballistic.

Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.

The perpendicular bars didn't match their outfit.

Tomorrow: The best labor saving device of today.

Going solar means daylight savings.

You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

To pleasure you.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Ironically too invested.

What’s a horse’s favorite sport? Stable Tennis.

According to a Gallup poll.

If I had a face like yours, I’d sue my parents.

For gross negligence.

What do people wear in a trench? Trench coats.

On the run you ditch it.

I’m not being rude, you’re just insignificant.

But that's good because your effect size is in the wrong direction.

If at first you don’t succeed: try management.

Start by managing your expectations.

How good are you at powerpoint? I Excel at it!

Word.

How do trees access the internet? They log in.

But they only swipe down on timber.

When plumbers sleep do they have pipe dreams?

Mario and Luigi seem to have many.

Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.

Then you see you've let yourself go.

You’re not fat, you’re just… easier to see.

Yet your abs are stealthy.

Its girls like u that cause global warming!

Factory managers.

What do ghosts serve for dessert? I Scream.

Second to terror-misu.

A plateau is the highest form of flattery.

It also involves a hump.